*This is not a fantasy football feature*

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Happy December! 

 

It’s playoff time in the FCS, which means you are either paying more attention to your lineup than ever before or mentally checked out until the RFA rolls around in 2021. For the most part, all of our content we create has been geared towards those first two scenarios. This is a fantasy football website, after all. So with that, I thought I’d switch things up a bit and give those lottery members some afternoon reading. Playoff contenders, I guess you can continue if you want, but don’t you have more pressing matters to attend to?

 

Like any good article, I want to start by posing a question. One that I’ve thought about randomly for years but never took the time to dissect. It’s arguably as important a question as is there life outside of earth?1 What happened to Jimmy Hoffa?2 Will Portland ever actually win anything in this league?3

 

The question, one I am certain you’ve contemplated in your life as well, is this:

 

At what point would Marv and Harry actually have died in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York?

 

I know, right?? When I teased the question, you were like, “Oh ya, I know where this is going. I’m finally going to get some hard-hitting evidence on when Marv and Harry should have perished in HA2:LINY.” That’s what I’m here for, friend. The Javies do more than just destroy the West year in and year out.4

 

I know what your (actual) next thought is, too. What about the original Home Alone? Did they not have any threat of dying during those pranks? The answer is, of course, yes, they definitely could have lost their lives in the first one, but I am choosing to overlook those instances and believe both Marv and Harry prevailed in hopes of getting the revenge they so desperately sought. Also I’m the one writing this so back off.

 

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Let’s begin completely off-topic by talking about the shear serendipity that is Harvey5 running into Kevin McAllister on the streets of New York City.

 

Peter and Kate McAllister begin HA2:LINY campaigning to repeat their 1990 role as worst parents out of the suburban Chicago area by once again abandoning their adolescent son while on vacation. They will go on to win that award. So, after all the hoopla, there’s Kevin, a witty and oddly street-smart nine-year-old child wandering the bustling streets of New York City alone. He’s nine. 

 

Panic? Terror? Nah. This brat eats it up. There is not one moment of contemplation or consideration of the magnitude of being abandoned in the largest city in the country with nowhere to go. Much respect here, as well as some uneasy feelings towards the ignorance. This kid fits the millennial mold before it was a thing.

 

Here I am going to interject some proposed cannon. John Mulaney, a 38-year-old comedian, was born and raised in Chicago, Illinois in the 1980’s. In his comedy special “Kid Gorgeous” he discusses being taught during schools assemblies the importance of knowing how to escape predicaments by an actual person named Detective JJ Bittenbinder. Here’s a little more on that.

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So who’s to say Kevin McCallister, a young boy the exact same age as John Mulaney also being raised in the Chicago, Illinois area, wasn’t in that same gym every year? Or if not in the same gym, attended a school that Detective Bittenbinder would also attend in his lecture circuit of Chicago schools? The odds here I feel are pretty high. 

 

So we are going to assume that for years leading up to his unlikely secluded trip to the Big Apple Kevin was being given important information from JJ on how to survive the streets. This is the only explanation of his collected demeanor when thrown into such a scary and high-stress situation. Well done, Detective.

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We’ll now switch gears to Harvey.

 

Fresh off a daring escape from the clink, Harvey find themselves in New York City after jumping ship from a fish cargo transport. While strolling the streets of Manhattan minutes later, they run into none other than Kevin McAllister and the mayhem ensues!

 

Time to fast forward so this thing doesn’t become a dissertation. 

 

Kevin, without blinking an eye, begins his attempt to send his father into immense credit card debt by checking in at the Plaza Hotel and snagging a suped-up suite. Along the way, he runs into our 45th President of the United States Donald Trump, who [sign in to your premium, add-free account to read my personal thoughts on former President Trump]. 

 

He goes swimming in shorts that very well could have laid the groundwork for NBA bottoms from 1998-2012, gets drunk on ice cream thanks to his personal butler (more credit card debt), and begins his shortlist of suing opportunities as Pennywise the Clown enters his suite without permission and visits him in the bathroom. Yada, yada, more things happen. 

 

Now we’re back on the streets of Manhattan and again, in this city of 7.4 million people, Harvey stumbles right upon Kevbot. As you’d expect when randomly faced with your arch nemesis that put you behind bars for a year 800 miles from where you last saw him, Harry reacts with a simple, “Look who it is.” Marv shares in the surprise with a simple wide-eyed gaze as they walk straight up to KM. Kevin, on the other hand, reacts how one should react in this instance and starts screaming like he’s trying to somehow expedite his puberty timeline and scatters. A chase through New York ensues and Kevin is able to escape with some quick wit, his specialty. 

 

More things happen. 

 

Kevin sets up his second edition house of horrors at his aunt and uncle’s house who are away on vacation. Harvey tracks him down and the real fun begins.

 

I’ll now go trap-by-trap as we examine the path to Harvey’s eventual death and crime scene for our nine-year-old culprit. 

 

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Teeter-Totter (Harry)

 

We start away from the house at Duncan’s Toy Chest as Kevin somehow manages to get Marv to land in the perfect spot and spring Harry God knows how high in the air as he eventually people’s elbow’s a 4-door sedan. Speechless and shooketh, sure, but not dead.

 

 

40-ft Brick Toss (Marv)

 

We inevitably pick things up quite a bit here. Marv is struck in the head four times from a roughly 40-ft distance by five-pound bricks. It’s important to note that this isn’t a grab and release maneuver from Kevin, but a full on shove as he releases each brick. He gets some serious velocity going which makes the accuracy that much more impressive. One hit? Concussed, potentially some actual brain damage.6 But another? And then another? A fourth direct hit? Jeez, man I don’t know. The dude might be dead. I mean after the 3rd one Marv is no longer able to speak English at all. Deeply provoked, Marv shakes this one off, but it’s important to note he has lost significant brain operation and basic motor skill functionality at this point. He’s basically the equivalent of blackout drunk moving forward.

 

Nail Gun on String (Marv)

 

Hurts tremendously but not life threatening. Very hard to watch though as he takes a staple to the b-hole.

 

Greasy Pipe (Harry)

 

Why even attempt this in the first place? Know your role, Harry. You’re like 50 years old. This isn’t kindergarten. This one would have failed without the grease job. Breathe gets knocked out, more mumbling profanity.

 

One-Story Fall (Marv)

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“Oh my gosh, how did he not see the 12-ft gap in the floor?” He just got hit in the face by a handful of bricks just minutes ago, pal. Let’s just give the guy a pat on the back for his perseverance. Not dead, but continually shaken both mentally and physically. 

 

Toolbag Drop (Harry)

 

It’s no brick from 40 feet, but this will do some damage. Down but not out.

 

Slip and Paint Shelf Crash (Marv)

 

More blunt force trauma as Marv braces the fall for an entire wooden shelf full of paint. Let’s assume that each of these paint cans are half full for arguments sake. 24 cans at roughly 3.5 pounds per can, plus the weight of a 3-tier wooden shelf, means Marv had roughly 180-pounds of force landing on his fragile 180-pound frame. Probably knocked unconscious for a few hours at best.7

 

Sink Electrocution (Marv)

 

So Marv is now deceased. He takes high voltage electric currents running through his body for upwards of 20 seconds as Kevin gets his first true taste of taking human life. Buckle up for this next part. With a simple google search, it appears that 50 volts can kill a human being. Now that’s not much by itself, but at a constant increased rate for 20 seconds we are seriously pushing his mortality. The last voltage we see from Kevin’s view is at 80 volts. Holy $#%#. But that’s not all. When the camera leaves Kevin and turns back to Marv, it is clear that the voltage is continuing to go up by the sound of his screams paired with the rising hum of the electricity being heightened. This scene is like the Jigsaw version of the THX intro. We can determine there are at least 2 more raises in the voltage after we leave Kevin’s view, and at this integral rate of increase, we can infer that the voltage was raised to roughly 90-100 volts coursing Marv’s body. We. See. His. Skeleton. This man is dead and our first murder has taken place.8 I can only assume this night marks day 1 of Kevin McAllister’s lifelong quest chasing the high of first-degree murder.

 

Blow Torch Head Flame (Harry)

 

How? How does he not know right away? The heat alone… I digress. The stupidity of this moment from Harry is only offset by his tremendous ability to land a handstand onto the toilet to extinguish the flame. Little does he know the liquid is actually lighter fluid, which would have in reality caused some pretty significant second-degree burns.

 

We’ll skip the remainder of Marv’s injuries because his soul has left this planet.9

 

Broken Ladder Fall (Harry)

 

Man I hope he tucked his fingers in. This one hurts, but nothing fatal yet.

 

Staircase Swingset (Harry)

 

Let’s recap what Harry has dealt with thus far. 

 

10-ft catapult onto a parked car

5-ft concrete fall directly on back

80-lb bag of tools dropped directly on head

Second-degree burns to scalp / head

 

Blunt-force trauma, back complications and serious burns. Not bad. Time to kick it up a notch. 

 

Let’s not sugarcoat this. Harry will now take a swinging 4-ft wide black iron pipe directly to the face, knocking him back and down a half flight of stairs and a full story of house. The weight of this pipe is tricky as we see Kevin lift and throw it down the stairs. Assuming the pipe is hollow, let’s say it clocks in around 40 pounds. A mighty deadlift for young Kevin, but the shear adrenaline involved in taking another man’s life has to contribute in a remarkable way. Remember, he’s chasing that high.

 

This is going to be where Harry meets the end of his life. The fall, combined with the force of that hit to his head, was just too much. One last leg, you say? Ok, let’s say that wasn’t quite enough. He’s hanging on for his life as the profanity under Harry’s breathe gets softer and softer. And then you hear it. The off-kilter ping of the the iron bar falling down towards you. We thankfully don’t witness the moment the pipe makes contact with Harvey10, but with context clues I can only assume it lands somewhere between the chest and the skull. Night, night.

 

More things happen.

 

We will end our deep dive here as we have arrived at our answer. 

 

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That’s all I’ve got. Kevin reunites with his mother (again), completing back-to-back ruined Christmases that inevitably destroy the holiday season for this family for years to come. 

 

Merry Christmas ya filthy… what is it? I don’t remember. Go Javies.

 

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1. We have to assume the answer is yes. We are such a minute faction of the universe. I would like to believe God created more life in his abundant creation, but who knows. I think it would be really cool to get to heaven and discover thousands of other life forms we never knew existed worshipping the same God.

2. If you have three hours to kill, check out The Irsihman on Netflix to get the inside scoop. Also Bruce Almighty. Not sure which one is more accurate.

3. No.

4. In the regular season, at least.

5. For the rest of the article, when discussing both Harry and Marv, I am going to refer to them collectively as ‘Harvey’

6. It’s safe to assume based off his normal behavior that Marv has already suffered some brain damage earlier in his life, making this instance that much more impactful.

7. The scene where Marv gets out from under the shelf with white paint all over his face scared me deeply as a kid, almost more than that episode of Boy Meets World where Shawn kills everyone.

8. This is a children’s movie

9. This is a children’s movie

10. This is a children’s movie

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